Sober?

I'm not really ready to be over it but I guess I have to be. I have no choice really. If I dwell on it then I will only be stuck
behind. The only hard part is saying that I am okay and actually being able to mean it. I want to mean it. It is just hard to
let go. I hold on so tight that I'm unable to let go. Let go of the memories and let go of the thoughts. That's so hard
especially when things seem so much harder now. I guess I should have left long ago when I had the opportunity. I
passed it up over what is now nothing. I tried to tell myself that it would all work itself out in the end. That is where my
optimism was very wrong. The first time I tried to be optimistic. Well fuck it. If I don't give a fuck then I have nothing to
worry about. I guess I'll have to adapt to that way of thinking...I could get wasted like everyone else and think that it will
solve my problems. I could just try and forget...then when I am sober I'll remember and just get wasted again. Won't be
a moment I won't want to forget. We could all drink and talk about it. Talk about our lives. Complain to no one that
matters. And they'll be my drunk friends. And I guarantee they won't be there when I am sober. When I have no money
for booze they'll be too busy to hang out...and when I just wanna be sober for a night they'll all of a sudden have other
plans. Then maybe I can think that I have real friends. Or maybe I'll realize that I lost all of my real friends because I was
too wasted to believe that they wanted to help. And of coarse I can't except help because if I had help I'd have no REAL
reason to get wasted. Nothing to talk about when I am so drunk that I can't stand right. I might get desperate to...I think
that I'll walk the streets drunk and hope not to get stopped by the police so that I can get more booze...When my real
friends get upset that I am fucking up my life I will just stop talking to them and ignore them. Abandon them so that
they wish they'd never set eyes on me. I'll force them to hate me because drama seems sooooo much better than
anything real...and the only thing that will ever leave my mouth is sarcasm! HA! It's the only thing I will be able to do
right. And eventually I'll go to jail...Only one person will visit me but I won't think anything of it. That person was just a
memory that hurt too much because I wasn't strong enough to fight for it. I'd rather get wasted. It will be real great! I
can't wait till I get to taste how strong the alcohol is when it is just to FORGET YOU! Have a nice fucking life with no one
to worry about you. No one to really care unless your fucked up on drugs and alcohol! Waste of time! Crying is weak? At
least I have emotions. Fucking drinking to forget is a million times more weaker than a single tear I have cried!